READ THE LATEST UPDATE:

ON THE "WHAT A JOKE!" page.

My goal is to entertain, inform, and amuse you. It will be up to you, the reader, to determine which of these effects a given writing was intended to evoke.

I love irreverence but not the practice of putting people down just for the hell of it. The exposition of stupidity, especially when practiced by highly placed persons of authority is what turns me on.

I’m serious about being funny and I love a good laugh. In my perfect world, crying would be virtually extinct because everything would be good, and everyone would be happy, and laughing at each other’s jokes.

Life is serious however, and despite my proclivity for humor, I am a serious person.

As a Realist I’m aware that for the most part, the world sucks. Actually it’s the people who inhabit the world who suck, but did you know that the world, that is, the physical planet itself, also sucks?

It really does, in a manner of speaking. However, that phenomena is known as gravity, which is one of the good types of sucking because it prevents us from flying off the earth and being hurled into space.

Bad things happen to good people all the time, and all too often, good things happen to the bad. This is frustrating and distasteful but humankind must live with this reality. Humor makes life more tolerable, but being aware of the world’s happenings is also necessary.

I will do my best to help you get through life by keeping you both amused and informed.

New material will be posted regularly, at irregular intervals, and those of you smart enough to join the notify list will be immediately alerted.

Please bookmark this page and come back often to have a good laugh on Jim Ippolito. Thanks!

VISIONS OF THE FUTURE

Really wild things happen to me. During my last M R I the machine malfunctioned when a triple Latte with raspberry, ammonia, and rhubarb chaser was spilled into it causing my consciousness to be transported one hundred years into the future.

I had just enough time to read the current newspaper before my mind was returned to present day by the technician who repaired the machine by whacking the control panel.

Here’s what’s going to be newsworthy 100 years from now:

The Disney Corporation will own all forms of all legally available entertainment. They will also offer adult videos, which will be marketed as “non-Disney approved.”

Movie theater patrons will have to pass through a candy detector before gaining admission; the average candy bar will be priced at $25.

The President of the United States will announce that peace talks between Israel and the P.L.O. are progressing at a rapid pace.

O.J. Simpson’s great-great-great grandchildren will state that they are close to finding the “real killer.”

Honda’s reasonably priced, 6 passenger, non-polluting car that runs 5,000 miles on a dollar’s worth of electricity will be withdrawn from production due to insufficient sales.

Strom Thurmond will state that he has only been on vacation for ten decades effectively quashing the rumors that he may not run for office again.

The average household telephone bill will consist of 86 pages.

The newly remastered 56^th reissue of the “White Album,” by, The Beatles, which is currently number 3 on the charts, is declared racist.

The Southern Baptists will implement their new liberalization policy, which allows wives to speak without having to first ask permission. They will, however, only be allowed to ask their Husband-Masters if there is anything they can do for them.

A spokesperson for the Federal Government will announce that the government is downsizing. It will then be revealed that a 100,000-person task force to study the problem and make recommendations is being hired.

The issue of a National Health Insurance Plan will finally come up for a vote before Congress but will not pass because the majority of the members will be unable to vote from their hospital beds at the Walter Reed Medical Center and the Mayo Clinic.

The number one story in the news will be a comparison of the affairs of J.F.K and Bill Clinton.

A spokesperson for Wall Street will proclaim that inflation is a myth created by the disgruntled non-rich, despite the fact that bread costs $165.28 per loaf.

The eleven remaining members of the “Betamax Is Better Club,” bring suit against Sony for discontinuing the manufacture of blank tape for their machines.

The ACDC album, “Back In Black,” which has been on the charts continuously since it’s release is declared racist.

Queen Elizabeth publicly thanks Pope John-Paul II for sending a pizza in honor of her 150 years on the throne.

Madonna is rumored to be casting about for a movie idea that will finally showcase her acting skills.

A photo of Ralph Nader at the wheel of a Corvair surfaces.

The Supreme Court agrees to determine if Pat Garrett did indeed kill Billy the Kid.

The Conglomeration Of Former Confederate States introduces a bill in congress that calls for the American flag to be modified so that one side bears a replica of the Confederate Flag.

“Cell phone elbow” officially replaces carpal tunnel syndrome as the number one medical problem.

The AMA announces that herbal remedies and supplements are useless unless marketed by a pharmaceutical company listed on the NYSE.

Elvis sightings are on the rise again amidst rumors that Miramax is considering a remake of “Viva Las Vegas.”

The Surgeon General announces that conclusive evidence exists affirming marijuana as harmless and beneficial. The following morning all major beer and cigarette manufacturers have packs of “marijuanettes,” for sale.

NBC, the, “No Body Cares,” TV network, announced that it has acquired the rights to the Olympic Games, through the year 3,000, for a reported fifty trillion dollars. Both American fans of the event were on hand at the contract signing.

Spokesperson, Franklin Balderdash, of The Institute For Correct Living, announced the results of a study conducted by the research firm, “We Get The Results You Want And Pay For.” It concludes that, “at the rate the gay community is proliferating, the world will be populated exclusively by homosexuals and lesbians in 13 years.”

Despite shareholder protests the Nike Corporation grants a 200% pay raise to their overseas employees resulting in a daily wage of nearly 7 cents.

The album, “Ebony and Ivory,” by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder will be declared racist.

THINGS YOU CAN COUNT ON

There aren’t many certainties in life.  Some people always manage to weasel out of paying taxes, without being caught; and nearly everyone knows a person they can’t stand who just refuses to die.

There are a few things that you can always count on though, things you can make book on.  For whatever good they may do for you, aside from, I hope, causing you to laugh, here they are:

·        Whenever you visit the house of the cleanest people you know, even though the place is cleaner than an operating room, they will always say, “We’re sorry the house is such a mess.”

·        If a flashlight or searchlight is in use in a movie, it will be shined into the camera lens, effectively blinding the viewers.

·        Even though it is impossible, people will always say, “I’m going to make some eggs.”

·        The expression, “It’s about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle,” will never go out of style.

·        If a long-term married couple, say 25 or 30 years, splits up, someone will always remark, “I knew it wouldn’t last.”

·        There will be a sale going on, every day, in every furniture store in existence.

·        Every time you are waiting for an important phone call, you will receive a call from a telemarketer, or someone will dial your number in error.

·        Blatantly drunk drivers, when asked by a cop if they were drinking, will answer, “I had a beer or two.”

·        All independent pizza parlors will display a sign that reads, “Best Pizza In Town.”

·        The driver’s side windshield wiper will be the one that streaks, and always in your line of sight.

·        Radio station D.J.’s will consume 56 minutes of an hour of commercial free time announcing that you’re listening to an hour of commercial free time.

·        The rich will always comfort the poor by informing them that possessing great wealth is a big responsibility.

·        NASCAR drivers will talk as fast as they drive.

·        McDonald’s will always stop serving breakfast an hour too soon.

·        At least once a year a spokesperson for Cuba will threaten to have their army kick our ass.

·        Super Models will continue to elicit sympathy by saying that they work hard for their 20 thousand per hour.

·        Scientists will never determine for certain if Vitamin C is good for us or is useless.

·        Every year N A S A will insist that sentient life exists only on Earth, and then ask Congress for 100 billion dollars for their search for extraterrestrial life.

·        Corporations will continue to announce huge losses, thousands of worker layoffs, and a 100% pay increase to the CEO, all in the same sentence.

·        Pharmaceuticals that cause impotency will be said to cause “certain sexual side effects.”

·        People will say “silicon implants” and “Silicone Valley.”

·        Three days after the event is over, TV news-people will still refer to the story as “breaking news.”

·        Despite the well-publicized fact that professional wrestling is choreographed, a hard-core cadre of true believers will insist that it is unrehearsed.

·        No matter the length of a new car’s warranty, even if it is for 100 years or one million miles, bumper to bumper, no exclusions, the salesperson will attempt to sell you an extended warranty.

·        You cannot buy carpet without being offered upgraded padding.

·        All the other drivers on the road will be driving either too fast or too slow, depending on whether they are in back, or in front of you.

·        Everyday, dozens of well known, nationally syndicated, long term, over the top, extreme right-wing Conservative radio and TV talk show hosts will complain for hours to their audiences that Liberals control the media.

·        The anti-gun crowd will always insist that confiscating the target shooters and hunter’s guns will eliminate crime.

·        The people you like will move away but the neighborhood troublemakers won’t move until the day after you move.

·        When you tell a salesperson that you can’t afford something the response will be to put it on your credit card.

·        Social Security cards despite having “Not to be used for identification,” printed on them, will always be demanded as identification.

·        Person’s who can’t find jobs will be told by others to try computers.

Need something? Try Amazon.com for the widest selection,  at the lowest prices, and free shipping on most items.

THIS SITE IS LISTED AT "HUMOR LINKS"
PLEASE CLICK HERE TO RATE ME, THANKS!

Click here to add The Independent Writer to your favorites

The Vast Left Wing Conspiracy [ Join Now | Ring Hub | Random | << Prev | Next >> ]