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I have never done anything famous or infamous enough to merit an interview. Now I have been questioned a few times, but that’s something altogether different that I don’t want to delve into.
In order for you to know me, and how my mind works I have agreed to submit to a self-interview. I’ve learned over the years that it’s true that if you want something done right it’s best to do it yourself. My wife doesn’t agree with that statement as it pertains to me, but that’s just her opinion, and I don’t always agree with her, at least on matters of little or no importance.
Ok, here we go, the interviewer is getting impatient.
Q. “When did you start writing?”
A. “The first, or maybe the second grade.”
Q. “No kidding? Do you have any examples of your early work?”
A. “No the teacher kept them.”
Q. “Oh, OK, honestly though, what caused you to start writing for publication?”
A. “I needed money so I drew up a list of my perceived skills. I then realized that these skills were mostly imaginary, unmarketable, and in most cases illegal. The only talent I seemed to have was list writing, which was previously confined to shopping lists and reminder notes. Ergo, writing would be it.”
Q. “What’s your favorite book?”
A. “The dictionary.”
Q. “That’s different. Why the dictionary?"
A. “It has everything you could possibly want in one book. Check it out, there’s sex, money, power, sports, food, fun, excitement, action, mystery. It’s sort of like the bible without being preachy. The dictionary contains everything that was ever written, and it has the answers to all your questions. You just have to visualize the right words in the correct order. I love it; I refer to it constantly. Webster would have won a Pulitzer if it existed at that time.”
Q. “What’s your favorite word?”
A. “Yes, but only when spoken to me.”
Q. “You attended Catholic schools and you make occasional mention of Catholicism in your writing. What do you find unique about the Catholic Church?”
A. “The Vatican City. Most other religions make due with some rented or donated office space. I guess I’m also intrigued by the notion that the Pope is infallible. I mean, he could miss an easy, uncontested lay-up in a charity priests versus nuns basketball game and dare the scorekeeper to say it was a miss. That’s way cool.”
Q. “What person do you most admire?”
A. “Santa Claus, he has the most toys.”
Q. “If you could meet any one person, living or dead, who would it be, and why?”
A. “God. I want to ask him or her or whatever why things were created the way they were.”
Q. “What are your ambitions?”
A. “None. I learned in Catholic school that the proper thing to do is to hope and pray for stuff and have faith that it will appear.”
Q. “Has that method worked?”
A. “I don’t know. I’m still waiting, but then they never did tell us how long it would take.”
Q. “Why did you really take up writing?"
A. “To improve my penmanship. I could no longer read my own grocery lists and nearly starved to death.”
Q. “Are you afraid of death?”
A. “No, just the things that cause it.”
Q. “If you had the power to make it happen what would you do to save the Earth?”
A. “Move the people off it.”
Q. “What’s your favorite drink?”
A. “Water, flavored with whatever I’m in the mood for such as coffee, orange, apple, tomato, or the secret ingredients in Coca-Cola.”
Q. “What advice do you have for today’s youngsters?”
A. “Avoid old age, and its alternative.”
Q. “Do you think your parents were proud of you?”
A. “I know my father was. Shortly before his death he told me he was glad I had stayed out of jail.”
Q. “Boxers or briefs?”
A. “What? Oh, you mean do I like fighters or lawyers. Definitely boxers, I have no use for lawyers.”
Q. “One last question, what’s your favorite color and why?”
A. “Clear. I like to see through things.”
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