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THE MONTH OF THE MACHINE & MORONS OF MORALITY I Am A Machine Cali has a new governor. No surprise that it’s Arnold Schwartzenneger, the biggest, the toughest, and probably the richest of the thousand or so candidates. This possessor of a set of teeth that are the envy of jack-o-lanterns worldwide says he’s going to “clean house” in Sacramento. Well this being October there should be no shortage of witch’s brooms with which to accomplish the task.  Perhaps he’s the answer to Cali’s woes. He ran as a Republican but his views on many issues such as Gay rights and a woman’s right to choose are not strictly in line with that party’s typically conservative stance. So, is Arnold a middle of the roader? We’ll soon find out.  As stated in THE INDEPENDENT WRITER'S Philosophy, I don’t hold myself hostage to the dictates or ideologies of any political party or religious structure and I believe in moderation so I’m willing to give him a chance. We’ll soon see if he’s as good at pumping up Cali’s economy as he is with musculature Vatican Verses Versus Viruses Last week The Vatican declared itself an authority on health matters when it announced that rubbers, commonly referred to as “condoms,” are ineffective in preventing the AIDS virus from spreading.  “They’re not holy either, even though our tests prove they have holes in them,” stated a Church official who declined to comment on their testing methods. Licensed physicians responded that the Vatican’s argument is incorrect and full of holes. Of course none of this is in any way connected to the Vatican’s ban on birth control. I figure I’m just as knowledgeable as The Vatican on matters that it’s Prelates and I know nothing about so I’m going to perform brain surgery in my garage as soon as I finish painting it and putting up some shelves. All I need is a volunteer. I have lots of tools and implements similar to what I’ve seen in hospitals and dentist’s operatories. The razor knives and a tiny electric drill, saw, and grinder from my model building days should do it, and I’m good at working on delicate things. One of my hobbies is restoring old cameras and even the ones that end up not working look great after a coating of ArmorAll. Since it’s my first time I’m not going to try anything fancy, even though I’ve cleaned and filleted all types of fish. I’ll start by cutting the head open to expose the volunteer’s brain. According to everything I’ve heard and read it should be gray so if I see anything that isn’t, out it comes. Apparently it shouldn’t be there anyway.   If the volunteer wants to pay for an anesthesiologist that’s fine with me but if not I’ll have a bottle of Jack Daniel’s here which should do the trick. The volunteer is welcome to bring a bottle of whatever he or she likes. New York Nitwit Nabbed Meanwhile the ever vigilant, and highly opinionated Catholic Church, led by the 83 year old, infallible Pontiff, the one who speaks 100 languages, when awake, but no one can understand, seems to have lost contact with Reverend John Johnston. Apparently this Catholic clown has been skimming from the collection baskets for a number of years at St. Martin of Tours church in Bethpage, New York. Officials at St. Martin, where Johnston has said Mass, possibly for as long as 30 years, were unaware of the theft. A spokesperson for the Diocese of Rockville Centre said that that no record of him exists and no one knew he was celebrating Mass there. Looks like The Vatican might be better served if it’s snoops spent more time in their church rectories rather than their parishioner’s bedrooms. A police search of Johnston’s Queens apartment, after his admission to the theft of nearly $90,000, yielded unopened collection envelopes containing approximately $600 from his most recent mass, approximately $87,000 in other cash, and more than $700,000 in bank accounts.  In addition to padding his priestly pockets the man of the cloth has been quite busy with other less parochial pursuits. The investigation started when Brooklyn detectives traced repeated vulgar calls made to the principal of Brooklyn's Bishop Loughlin Memorial High School to Johnston's home on 35th Avenue in Jackson Heights. While arresting Johnston on those charges, detectives spotted three handguns, one of which turned out to be unlicensed, as well as pictures of Hitler, Nazi paraphernalia such as uniforms, helmets and daggers, and stacks of pornographic videos and magazines. The perturbed priest explained that the money was his 401K, the Nazi items were present because he was studying World War II, and that porn, although inappropriate for priests, is legal in New York. Ooh fadder, you better go to confession! John Johnston, 64, was arraigned on charges of aggravated harassment in Brooklyn Criminal Court and released on $1,000 bail. He will be arraigned in Queens on charges of criminal possession of stolen property and criminal possession of a weapon. The police said that Johnston was most embarrassed about the pornography. Maryland Moron’s Mouth Makes Mistake Kendel Ehrlich, nobody wife of Robert Ehrlich, Republican governor of Maryland, said on 10/06/03, at Hood College in Frederick Maryland, during an anti-domestic violence seminar “Really, if I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would.” The Maryland First Lady feels that Spears gives young girls the false message that finding and having sex with a man is more important that anything else. Ehrlich said, “It is incredibly important for women to get as much education as possible to avoid becoming dependent on anyone else.” This bumbling nobody should know. No one would pay attention to her, and she wouldn’t have a forum if not for her politician husband. After making the statement she giggled like the silly little shit that she probably is. I hope that while she was at this institute of higher learning someone defined the word violence for her.  You don’t think the remark had anything to do with Britney’s looks, youth, talent, success, or money do you? Nah, probably not, she said it for the sake of the children. Her spokeswoman, Meghann Siwinski, said Ehrlich is a working mother raising a young son and she made an inadvertent comment while expressing her concerns about the influence of pop culture on children. Translation for “inadvertent,” “Oh shit, she meant to say that in private.” As if that’s not enough this total bitch then suggests, or more accurately, challenges Britney to give a benefit concert in Maryland, for the children. I suggest that Britney comply with the gentle lady’s request, but only after the governor resigns so he can spend some quality time with his neglected wife. Hopefully she won’t ask him to take her to a gun shop.

SAVING YOU FROM YOURSELF Party animal, Peter Sprigg, an ordained minister in the American Baptist Churches USA, and Senior Director of Culture Studies for the Family Research Council gleefully announced that Wal-Mart is practicing censorship at a store near you. Mr. Sprigg explained that Union buster extraordinaire, Wal-Mart, is pulling 3 men’s magazines from its shelves and will be obscuring the covers of several offensive magazines including Cosmopolitan and Redbook. Redbook? Jeez, my mother used to leave that lying around. Now, Cosmopolitan magazine has undergone some changes. My wife was an ardent reader of it when we got married 31 years ago. I recall cover messages something like, “How to buy a great summer wardrobe for under $300.00,” whereas nowadays I’ve seen covers with, “How to have great summer sex!” I don’t find that offensive; I think we’re witnessing a shift from consumerism to education. The Culture Studies for the Family Research Council’s motto is, “Defending Family, Faith, and Freedom.” Defending freedom, freedom of what? Click here for more wrong thinking by Right Wingers DON’T BET ON IT Some Wall Street types complained on MSNBCNNFOX NEWS about the 6 billion dollars that are lost each year by Internet gamblers. That’s interesting because if these places were listed on the NYSE that money would be referred to as profits from sales. As an afterthought it was said that the money goes untaxed by the Federal Government because these enterprises are located outside the US. That’s not concern; it’s just a not so veiled hint to the Feds that these places should be banned so the money can be spent in America. Wall Streeters acting as moralists concerned about moms and dads gambling away the rent really pushes the limits of one’s bullshit tolerance level. Is there a casino bigger, or riskier than the stock market? That organization can be summed up in two words, no, not those two, I’m thinking Enron-Worldcom. How many moms and pops did they leave penniless? Buying stocks isn’t an investment; it’s taking a chance, a risk, a gamble. When people go to a racetrack they’re said to be “playing the ponies,” and when people pony up money to buy stocks, they’re said to be “playing the market.” Do you see any difference? At least with gambling the odds are posted, and there aren’t any CEO’s and their minions manipulating matters. People should be free to spend their disposable time and money as they please. Does one really need a set of golf clubs that cost 2K? Should someone buy a 75K car when a 20K car will do just fine? Is it necessary to go on vacation and spend money on hotels and restaurants when you can sleep and eat at home during your time off? Anyone can spend more on gambling than they can afford. Just the same as people can drink or eat too much or use credit cards beyond their ability to repay. The trick is to set a realistic budget and then use the excess money, if any, on whatever you like. Since we’re talking about gambling I can’t resist plugging my fair city, Las Vegas. This is where you want to come to roll the dice. Whatever you like, you’ll find it here, Las Vegas has Mega Resorts and cozy, smaller, off Strip casinos. If you want you can play slot machines in gas stations, convenience stores, supermarkets, and even the airport. There’s more to Vegas than gambling though; bring your golf clubs, there’s tons of courses here, and they’re open 365 days per year. Like skiing and snowboarding? You can do that at nearby scenic Mount Charleston, but only during the winter, like all the other ski resorts. How about boating and fishing? Try nearby beautiful Lake Mead National Recreation Area and while you’re there take a tour of Hoover Dam. See my “IMAGES” page for a few photos and try these links for more info: VEGAS.com AccessVegas.Com Lake Mead National Recreation Area Lake Mead NRA: Hoover Dam - DesertUSA ALPHABET SOUP ON THEIR FACES A multi-million dollar seven-year dragnet carried out by the FBI, the ATF, and other government alphabet bureaus culminated recently with the capture of the self-righteous Eric R. Rudolph. He is considered the prime suspect in the 1996 bombing of Olympic Park, and various abortion clinics. At the ensuing press conference an FBI spokesman called the capture, a cooperative effort, of all law enforcement. Members of several other elite government agencies stood in the background attired in their federal blue billboard jackets boldly emblazoned with their agency’s acronyms. During the manhunt the FBI had employed all of it’s hi tech paraphernalia, including specially trained domestic terrorist sniffing giraffes imported from Norway. Rudolph was quietly apprehended by a local cop however, a young rookie, on routine patrol with a flashlight, while the suspect was dumpster diving in back of a grocery store. Rumor has it that the DEA now wants in on the case because an aspirin, which that agency considers a gateway drug to prescription strength pain killers, was found in Rudolph’s possession. When word of that reached CIA headquarters its Public Information Office issued a statement revealing that they too were involved because of a possible Al Queda connection. It seems that witnesses to the bombings said that the bombs sounded just like the ones Al Queda uses.

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